Why do I keep writing?

A year ago, I published my first eBook through Amazon called, "And the Underdog Wins: The Fifth Anniversary Edition." I wanted to take this moment in this blog to explain why I keep doing this to myself, even though it may seem like I should just throw in the towel.

I am a writer, yet nothing fills me with more fear than writing. It is so hard for me to do, yet it is all that I can do. I am afraid to share my "real works" with the world, yet I want everyone to read my stories. I want people to know my characters, and my stories, but I don't want to feel to vulnerable so people can make their accusations and compare anything to my own life. It is pure torture, and yet I still won't give it up.

I was never given much support from my family. As much as they loved me, they told me that a career in writing isn't real, and that I need to "get a real job," so I can survive. I have been working as a caregiver for the last three years, all the while taking odd freelance jobs for writing wherever I can get them. It doesn't pay much. It will hardly cover a bill, but I keep going. I spent all my life being told that I can't, and I shouldn't, and to do anything else. I have spent most of my life in misery and listening to those loud voices. But, I still try.

I try every single day to battle against my crippling Depression and Anxiety to attempt to write. Days sometimes turn into weeks before I can make myself do it. But, there is still a very real drive and very real reason why I haven't given up on writing still. I question myself to death. I shame myself for my stories not being good enough, or why anyone would read this, or what in the world is wrong with me and I should be doing something that will earn me money. I keep going.

I try with this blog for over 5 years now because I can't give up the writing. Even when I know that no one is reading. Even when I know that no one cares, I can still see that I do have a body of work even though it's not professional, or not what people would consider a good blog. I try to do research to improve the way that I blog even though I know no one will read this because they don't. I created a Facebook page, and have done some advertising. Even though the odds are all telling me that I should stop and give it up, I keep going.

I keep going even though I am not earning a cent from my book sales. I keep going even though I am not earning a cent from my blog. I keep going even though my portfolio is small, and I don't have two dimes to rub together. I keep going by having some days where I can quiet the voices, the depression, and the self-hatred long enough to try to write. I keep doing this to myself, torturing myself every single day because at my core, I am a writer. I have never given up, even though I have been silent for years at a time, I still always go back to writing.

My dream is to write for myself and get paid for the products. I want to write books, and keep blogging. Not what blogs have become, but what they truly are, something more informal, yet still fun. I have never been one who can stand working for others and helping a company with goals that aren't mine. I have put in so much time in retail, banking, and customer service. I have spent my life working for other company's wants and needs, but never my own. That is why I keep writing. It's for me, for my hope, and for future, for all those who told me that I can't, for all of those who told me that I could.

Someday, I might be able to achieve my dream, but I have literally never given up even though it seems like I have at times. I keep writing and I always will. I have not been a failure because my body of work isn't where I think it should be. I have been writing, and no one has ever been able to stop me from my life's work, even myself!

So Keep Writing....


Here is the link to purchase my book!
https://www.amazon.com/Underdog-Wins-5th-Anniversary-Collection-ebook/dp/B01BESNA1W/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1486172161&sr=8-2&keywords=and+the+underdog+wins