This has been a very rough time for me, and I don't mean to blow the whole "whoa is me" whistle, but my Dad passed away June 18th. Since then, things have gone from bad to worse. I promise I won't bore you with the details, but there are truly days that I wish that I didn't even have to get out of bed. There are days that I wonder if I am being punished from something I did in a past life, and it's all catching up to me right now.
The thing is, when bad things happen whether it is a loss of a loved one, bad news that alters ones life, or even just a terrible day, people line up with an over abundance of advice if you want it or not. Now, I do understand that most people are doing their best to help you out. They don't want to see you hurt, or sad, or upset, so they do their best to try to fix it. They want to give you words of wisdom to help you heal, and try to lift your spirits. I do the same thing, but I have learned through this that there are ways to go about handing out your advice, and even your thoughts or prayers for the person suffering.
First: You don't understand what that person really is going through. You may have had similar situations that you have been through, but you are not that person. You don't have the same thoughts, fears, or emotions. The saying, "You don't really know a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes," applies here. While your advice may be wonderful, and will help them, please do your best to be respectful of their feelings, and your timing. No one wants to hear how much of a long, good life your Dad has lived while he is laying in a coffin 4 feet away from you. (Yep, that happened...more than once)
Second: Don't take this opportunity to kick people while they are already down. For example, at my RIPE OLD AGE OF 32, I am still single. I wish I was kidding when I tell you how many people decided to point that out to me. I literally had people say to me, "Gosh, Lisa, it is so sad that you are still single." Or, "Lisa, it's too bad that you aren't married, and you don't have anyone to help you through this." Or, "Lisa, it's so very sad that you are all alone." My personal favorite was, "Lisa, it's so sad that your Dad will never get to walk you down the isle, and he will never see his Grandchildren. That is, if you ever have kids, you are getting up there." When is this ever okay? This does not help at all. In fact, it makes it worse.
Third: Don't keep track. It is one of the worst things when somebody states how bad of a year (or time period) that you are having, then proceeds to list off everything that has happened. Why does this help, or even need to be stated? Don't you think that I already know the bad things that have happened to me recently? Are we keeping score? Some people really try to use this as some sort of way to give advice when all it does is make the person look at their life and feel even worse. Maybe they had just started to get over that one thing that you listed, and now it's on their mind again. Just don't list the battles, we know when and where we got our wounds.
Fourth: Don't fake it. Not everyone can be sympatric when they need to be. It isn't easy to reach out to someone and have to be there for them if you don't really know them that well, your going through a hard time, or you just can't be there. I think I speak for many when I say, it's okay if you can't be there for me. Just tell me that you are thinking of me, and touch base when you can. I won't be mad or upset. Two of my friends both told me how much they wanted to be there for me, but couldn't because...and I respected them for it, and never got angry. I will be, however, if you plaster on a fake smile, give me a half hug, muster some words, and walk away like it was a chore. The thing is, I, like many, have a wonderful support system. I know who I can rely on, who I can trust, and who will always be there for me no matter what. It's okay if you aren't one of my inner circle if you can't be there for me, but don't pretend. We can tell. If you don't know what to say, then a simple pat on the shoulder will do just fine. Again, I understand wanting to comfort, but I don't understand people who try to fake caring.
Fifth: Don't take this as an opportunity to try to convert someone to your religion. I had loads of people telling me how much better my life would be if I went to this church, or that church, or prayed more, or prayed less, or believed this way or...the list goes on and on. Do I really want to talk about how wonderful God is when things have gone so badly in life. No. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and you should be respectful of a person's choice to worship God, or not, in the way that they choose. When bad things happen, it's not the time to point out how different or better life would be if the other person believed the exact same way that you do. Guess what, what works for one person, may not for the other. This country was founded on the grounds of religious freedom, and that includes being free from any religion. There may be a time and a place when I will want to hear from you about your beliefs, but I will ask. I don't want someone preaching to me when all I want is comfort, not fire and brimstone.
Sixth: Let people be angry, because that is fine. I have been angry many times, and have had people list off reasons why I shouldn't be. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I'm still mad, and nothing will change that. It is okay for a person going through a hard time to be mad. Let them, because if they keep that anger in, it will come out in a non positive way. Now, I know that there are healthy ways to be angry, and I know they are bad ways to be angry. If you feel that the person is a threat to themselves, then yes, step in. But if they are just angry, and yelling, and maybe saying things that you don't agree with, then let them get it out, and be there for them when they are done. Don't tell them not to be angry, because you know what, they are, and they will continue to be for awhile.
Seventh: There is no time line on pain. Just because a few days, weeks, months, or years have passed does not mean that it doesn't hurt any longer. It doesn't mean that the pain isn't as real and as fresh as the moment that it happened. Just because a person isn't progressing in your own personal time line of when you think it's time for them to just stop being sad doesn't mean it's right for them. (Again, I understand that there are cases where people would need to seek treatment, or get help, but I am addressing the norm)
Eighth: Sometimes it is just best to keep quiet. There haven't been words invented yet to be the ones that will help heal a person, and make them better. If there was, then all of us would feel a heck of a lot better. You don't always need to fill silence with words. Sometimes, just being in the same room is enough of a comfort. Silence, sometimes, really is golden.
Ninth: Don't fall into the void. When bad things happen, people come out of the woodworks, and then they disappear almost as quickly as they came. Yes, there are times when you don't need to be present for the person going through a hard time. I'm not going to run across the country because you have a hang nail, and wouldn't expect you to either. However, when it is something life altering, don't disappear out of that person's life if you really care about them. I understand how life is, and how busy things can get, but that isn't an excuse to not even drop a four word email, or post on Facebook that says, "I'm thinking of you." Is that too hard? I need to work on this myself, but I do try, I really do, and there are many of you, dear readers who do as well. But I think we can all stand to try a little harder at this. It's easy to run away back into your own world, but remember, their world is still in crumbles.
Ten: See if you make the cut. Life altering is, well, life altering, and you start to look at the people in your life and see if they really need to be a part of your world. You find out who is there, and who will walk away. This is a time when someone starts to take those scissors and start snipping away. I have started doing this very thing. Does that mean I will never talk to or be friendly to these people again, not at all. All it means is I know where we stand, and it doesn't bother me if you are in my life or not. If you care for the person going through a bad time, really care, then be there for them. Don't appear in their life once in awhile when you are feeling guilty, or if you need something from them. It's better just to cut them off so you, and they, can move forward.
When it comes down to it, people are really trying to help. I want to help, you want to help. It's our nature to nurture. We don't like to see others in pain, but we do need to understand that every single person is entitled to mourn, be upset, and be angry. Each person is going to handle the pain of a terrible situation different than you, and that is fine. Be there for them when you can, and don't forget about them as time passes. The advice that you want to give may be the best thing in the world for them, but please be mindful of when you tell them your advice. Don't make it about you, it's about the other person. Most of all, put love and helpful energy out there, don't lecture or tell them what they feeling is wrong, because it's not. I don't want to sound like I am whining or ungrateful. I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life who are helping me through this, even though I know it isn't always an easy thing to do. I thank you all, and love you all very much. I just have found that some things that have been done or said have been pretty bad, and I hope to avoid that mistake myself in the future, and I hope this will help you avoid it as well. We are human, and we will mess up, so when you do, make sure you are good enough to say that you are sorry, and move forward.
