Caregiving: what it's like for me

Hello all,

I have been asked to write about being a caregiver. I know it's not my normal type of blog but it was requested of me. I must admit that I'm a little nervous about it because I am still very actively taking care of two people. I will do my best to honor their privacy so I am not going to go into any real details.  Just remember that taking care of the people I am working with is my number one goal. I do the best that I can to make sure they get the care that they need. I am not an expert at all on the subject, but it is my life and something that I have done for most of it. I have been an active caregiver to my parents, grandparents and some of my friends since I was a small child. It is something that is second nature to me, but I am human and like everyone else I get burned out.

First of all, I am not a nurse or a doctor. I have a lot of respect for those wonder and amazing people who have decided to make it their life's work. I do have medical training. I know First Aide, CPR, general things about medication, how to give shots, and some very specific things that go along with the conditions of the people I take care of. I do my research. I spend a lot of time in doctor's offices and any free moment I get, I will be asking questions, making notes, and trying to understand what I need to look for if anything goes wrong. I never sit on the sidelines, I do what I can to learn as much as I can in order to give the best care.

Being a caregiver is beyond a full time job, it is a life. I admire others who are in the same position that I am. I know some people give more time than I do, and others who only have to be a caregiver on a part time basis. Either way, it is not a traditional job but it takes so much out of you. No two days are similar and what may have worked for you a week ago won't work today. You must be adaptable and you must have patience. A caregiver can be up all night with their patient, or trying to catch up on things with their own lives only to have to get up again at the crack of dawn for a full day of appointments.

I know it's the number one rule when you are in this type of field that you need to take care of yourself first. I'm here to tell you while that is a great idea, it's damn near impossible at times. There are days where this is no issue at all but others, your life will need to be put on hold. It's different for every single person but I know from the small group of people who are in the same boat as I am that caring of yourself is something that is pushed aside a lot. It's a daily battle and sometimes you get to have a good day, and other days or even weeks go by before you realize that you haven't done a single thing for yourself beyond basic measures.

I have also found that being a caregiver is something of a stigma. Even thought it is a very hard job many people will point out that "it's not a real job." I admire those people for their blissful ignorance. There isn't much assistance out there for a person who is a caregiver and with society being ultra harsh on those looking for help it becomes a vicious cycle. There isn't much room to do anything else when you are a caregiver including working an outside job. If you look for help then you are automatically deemed as weak or a drain on society. I see it all the time on social networks how people are so angry that their hardworking dollars are going to the slums on food stamps and welfare. Well, I am an extremely hardworking person with days that can last 20 hours or longer. I am working all of the time but I qualify for very little help. I work odd jobs during my "off hours" to survive.  The point I'm trying to make here is people are very quick to judge because they think a caregiver is someone who gets to sit around and does nothing all day. This couldn't be further from the truth. It is a job that becomes a life of it's own and society thumbs their noses at people who don't go to an office and put in an 8 hour day. The government doesn't understand caregiving and with the society aging they aren't prepared for the amount of help that is going to be needed. They aren't prepared now.

It is hard taking care of someone when they are sick and in pain.  All you want to do is ease their suffering. It isn't unusual for you to get stressed to the point where you get a bit snappy at the person you are taking care of. Lack of sleep and highly stressful situations play a big part of this. So does hope. It is easy to fall into a habit of getting hopeful any time you see your client having a good day, but a moment later it ends. You always want that person to be well and be in a place where they can have more good days than bad. The bad days take their tolls. The good days that turn bad are worse. It's like you take 10 steps forward and then something happens and you are pushed back 20. It's a process and it takes a very strong person to get through it. You have to make sure you are doing your best to help your client feel good on their good days, and okay on their bad days, and learn when you need to let them be. It is an ongoing process. Since no two days are the same, no two emotions are the same either and what was a clue to you before may mean something completely different the next time.

The person asking me to write this asked if I have had people die on me. The answer to that is yes, I have. As a caregiver you may be left in the dark. What I mean by this is other people are going to be very upset and completely forget that you were the one taking care of everything. You will get those really fun people who say they were the ones who dropped everything to help out him or her when you know they haven't been through the door for at least a year. Or, they will forget that you are human and you are feeling a loss yourself. I have no real advice on how to deal with this. My Dad's motto was to pick your head up and keep going. I think that has gotten me through a lot in my life, especially being a caregiver to so many different people with vastly different needs.

So, that's what it is like for me. I don't know how it is for other people. I know that there may be people ready to tell me how I should or shouldn't do something. Thank you for your concern. I just know that caregivers are a bunch of very underrated people who get the short end of the stick. They must be strong when others are weak, must know when to react, and how to take care of anything that comes up during the day. It's something that takes up a lot of time, effort, and money. Everyone will have a point in their life where they will need this level of help. I hope when the times comes for me that I will be able to be kind and understanding because I've been in those well worn shoes. I don't have the answers for other people, but I'd love to open up a dialog for those who are interested in sharing there experiences. If not, then I hope if you read this blog maybe you felt less alone and know that someone else out there knows what you are going through.

To the Class of 2014

Part Two, Wear Sunscreen:

To the Class of 2014:

You are about to get a whole bunch of advice, from everyone. Every single person that you know and don't know are going to shove information down your throat in an attempt to help you become an adult. The thing is everyone is trying to help you out, or save you from mistakes that they have made. What they may not tell you is that you need to make mistakes, bad ones. Not everything is going to be right for you, but make mistakes, and be good to your fellow human being.

Here are a few tidbits for you to chew on:

Remember that just because you turn 18 and are going away to college or starting your job does not make you an adult. Nothing magic happens to make you one, you just wake up one day and realize that you are. It has nothing to do with age, but the journey you've been on and the path that you have chosen to walk. Flex those wings because you are going to want to see what your new boundaries are, but be careful and kind when you are doing this. Remember, many of us have been on this path of self discovery before, and trust me, you don't want to burn bridges.

Don't keep your mouth shut. Speak up and be heard.

Read everything that you can get your hands on. Read banned books, pamphlets, webpages, magazines, billboards, anything. Read things that are controversial, and risky, and scary. Read the newspaper, comics, ads, and everything else you can find.

Unplug from the world. Do not depend on technology as something that is a sub for human interaction. Listen to the world around you, not the sounds of AI. Go into nature, it's going to be gone someday and nothing can replace it. Don't live life online.

Get into fights and arguments. If you don't, you will never learn anything about the other person or yourself. Just be civil about it.

Meet new people.

Know thyself: There are a few core things that are special to every person. It's different for everyone but once you find those cores and answer those questions, be willing to discuss them. Learn everything that you can about them, and be willing to be challenged on them. If you find that those core answers change with time, educate yourself again. You won't always feel the same way as you did when you were 18.

Don't make it your main goal in life to get married and have children. It's best to be able to stand on your own two feet, and have life skills before you get serious in a relationship. If you can't stand on your own, then you will fall.

Learn how to balance your checkbook. Don't depend on the bank, or online banking to do it for you. Know how to make change, and always carry a little cash just in case of emergency.

Take lots of pictures.

Eat different kinds of foods.

Be honest.

Take care of yourself by drinking lots of water, getting restful sleep, and listen to your body. No one knows your body better than yourself. Don't get stuck with a doctor that won't listen or you feel that doesn't hear you. You only have one body, take care of it. And if they won't help find somebody that will.

Volunteer: you will meet new friends and it's always better to help out when you can. Plus, it's great to put on resumes. ;)

Learn how to write a resume, cover letter, and how to fill out an application.

Remember, you will not always start off at a job on top. You will have to work for it. Don't quite because you don't feel things are moving fast enough. You must start on the ground floor before you get to walk up any stairs.

Watch the sunset, and the sun rise. Watch the first stars come out at night and howl at a full moon. Find a rainbow, wish on a star.

Get drunk. (Disclaimer: Yes, get drunk, but don't put yourself in a situation where you or anyone else will be driving. Go somewhere and stay there Don't drink with somebody that you don't trust with your life.) Everybody needs to get drunk at least once in their life to know what it's like. Some will never drink again, some will become casual drinkers, and others will waste away into something pathetic. It's a right of passage, but don't you dare put anyone else in danger.

Don't smoke.

Wear clothing and shoes your size. Trust me, society will thank you for that.

Play music, sing, hum. Go to concerts and musical theater. Educate yourself on the arts.

Find fun, free things to do in your city. Take a day, or a few days to be a tourist in your town. Learn about the history your city. You may be surprised at what you find out.

Travel!!! Not just the world, but the entire Untied States. Get lost, or go find the world's biggest ball of twine! Never stop learning about the world around you. Spend your money on traveling. It's a great investment.

Learn how to change a tire, and a diaper. Important life skills.

Take public transportation, walk, ride your bike when you can. Be kind to Mother Earth, she's all that we have.

And last but not least:

Be humble, never forget who you are or where you came from. You are no better or any worse than another person. You are you, and nobody else can do that for you. Be strong, love, be willing to have you heart broken. Be kind, and remember that tomorrow is not a promise. Don't burn the bridges, dwell too long on hurt and pain, get help when you need it. Never be afraid to ask for that help. Take a deep breath when you are stressed. Work hard, and play responsibly. Take care of yourself, and your loved ones. Have fun, and laugh a lot.

Good luck all, and remember we are all cheering for you!!

Wear Sunscreen

Dear Class of 2014,
This was written and performed by Baz Buhrmann for my class year. This is as true today as it was those few short years ago. Trust us on the sunscreen!

"Everybody is Free to Wear Sunscreen"
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Nerd: Not just another four letter word

Updated from an earlier post:


Hello All,


I am a NERD. There, I said it. For most of you, this isn't a shocker, but for me this is something that I have just come to grips with and have become very proud of. Nerds are something that people are taught to think of in a bad fashion. They are portrayed as people living in their parent's basements, with broken glasses, a collection of comic books, and living with an unhealthy obsession instead of trying out the real world. They have jobs in IT, and have a high opinion of themselves, and a low opinion of others who make fun of their world or aren't as smart as they are. They are often painfully shy and can't function outside of a very small circle of friends and trusted family members. They often live a very lonely life and will be the butt of many jokes.


 Nerds come in different forms if that means they love sports, animals, plants, running, surfing, making cakes, knitting, whatever you can come up with. Anything that makes you happy and you are so very passionate about that all the details matter makes you a nerd. I'm sure there are at least one or two things that came to your mind with that description, thank you very much John Green.  Nerds look like anyone else, and you don't have to be enthralled with a book, movie, comic, TV show, or technology to be classified as a nerd. It is a double standard though. It is completely fine and acceptable to be a sports fan. There is no problem dressing up and going to a sports bar or to the game, getting tattoos of your favorite team, wearing their logo on your shirts and drinking your cup of coffee with it plastered on the front. It is encouraged to love your team. This my friend, is a nerd, and there is nothing wrong with that.


After you discover that you too are a nerd and it's not such a bad thing, it is important to be kind. I think every person has been enchanted with the object of their nerdom. They love it and know the details forwards and backwards. You want to share your love with the world because love is a positive, happy thing and we need more of that put out into the universe. But indivertibly, you find the cruelness, the people who will burst your bubble of happiness because you don't love the same thing the way they do, or you missed something, or you didn't see it or hear it the way that they took it. Suddenly, you find yourself a butt of a joke, again, and that stereotype comes creeping back into your mind. Sometimes, it's easy to slip into the role of the person correcting the others. The thing as, as a nerd we have been the underdogs. (Hey, get it, like my blog) We have been the quiet ones, the shy ones, the ones that sometimes can't make our own voice work so when we finally have a chance sometimes it comes out as cruelness. My rule of thumb when I catch myself being this mean type of nerd is to stop myself and apologize quickly. I've been the butt of jokes many times, and the person that everyone in the room ignores. To be able to speak up about something that you love takes a lot of courage and if you don't spend some much time judging you may actually learn something. You may even find a friend.


 A true nerd is not only passionate about whatever makes them tick, that passion spills over into other areas of life. You will find that these people are truly some of the kindest people that you have ever met. You will find that they do for others and not always in a very obvious manner. You nerd it forward so to speak. For example, I love Doctor Who, very much. My cousin was diagnosed with cancer late last year and I became her care giver. It's been a tough road, but even being sick, she took me to the Doctor Who store here in Indy (Who North America) because she was thanking me for being her care giver.


However, she got too sick to stay and we had to leave. Fast forward several weeks later and our Masonic Family Members (this is nerdy too) got together to have a dinner and silent auction for my cousin to help pay for medial bills. Just because I love Doctor Who so much, I emailed the store and asked if they had any items to donate. These beautiful people never meeting me, and only going by my letter and how much I loved Doctor Who donated $500.00 worth of product to her auction. I was hoping for a poster. I am now helping them out with Indy PopCon because of them helping us out. All of this happened because of a love for Doctor Who, and people who's passion spilled over into other things. One day, I was having a terrible day at work and I took my break at Starbucks. I sat outside and was reading about Firefly. The nice elderly lady next to me saw the picture of Mal over my shoulder, we struck up a conversation, and my day instantly got better.


We, nerds being the underdogs, have made a community and in some cases have created a family steaming from what we are nerdy over. It's the Joss Whedon effect, we have big hearts. We have  been left out, so once we find something that we love, we hold onto it with everything that we have. But we also want others to be able to enjoy that happiness and love so we do our best to nerd it forward. We dress up in our favorite comic book characters to go to blood drives, we get our fan groups together to do Relay for Life, or to knit Jane hats for cancer patients. We draw, sing, make art, play our musical instruments all inspired by what we love. That's just a small part. Sometimes it's the best thing in the world to see a nurse wearing a smock with Hello Kitty on it, and you happen to be huge Hello Kitty fan and that instantly calms you down. Being a nerd has taught me a very humble lesson, and I am going to do my best to make someone else smile, to make someone happy, to help someone out because a real nerd shares the love and happiness, not condones it. The most important thing I've learned is that being a nerd is truly not a four letter word. I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed to be a nerd, I embrace it!!!

Sometimes, it's better just to keep quiet

This has been a very rough time for me, and I don't mean to blow the whole "whoa is me" whistle, but my Dad passed away June 18th. Since then, things have gone from bad to worse. I promise I won't bore you with the details, but there are truly days that I wish that I didn't even have to get out of bed. There are days that I wonder if I am being punished from something I did in a past life, and it's all catching up to me right now.

The thing is, when bad things happen whether it is a loss of a loved one, bad news that alters ones life, or even just a terrible day, people line up with an over abundance of advice if you want it or not. Now, I do understand that most people are doing their best to help you out. They don't want to see you hurt, or sad, or upset, so they do their best to try to fix it. They want to give you words of wisdom to help you heal, and try to lift your spirits. I do the same thing, but I have learned through this that there are ways to go about handing out your advice, and even your thoughts or prayers for the person suffering.

First: You don't understand what that person really is going through. You may have had similar situations that you have been through, but you are not that person. You don't have the same thoughts, fears, or emotions. The saying, "You don't really know a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes," applies here. While your advice may be wonderful, and will help them, please do your best to be respectful of their feelings, and your timing. No one wants to hear how much of a long, good life your Dad has lived while he is laying in a coffin 4 feet away from you. (Yep, that happened...more than once)

Second: Don't take this opportunity to kick people while they are already down. For example, at my RIPE OLD AGE OF 32, I am still single. I wish I was kidding when I tell you how many people decided to point that out to me. I literally had people say to me, "Gosh, Lisa, it is so sad that you are still single." Or, "Lisa, it's too bad that you aren't married, and you don't have anyone to help you through this." Or, "Lisa, it's so very sad that you are all alone." My personal favorite was, "Lisa, it's so sad that your Dad will never get to walk you down the isle, and he will never see his Grandchildren. That is, if you ever have kids, you are getting up there." When is this ever okay? This does not help at all. In fact, it makes it worse.

Third: Don't keep track. It is one of the worst things when somebody states how bad of a year (or time period) that you are having, then proceeds to list off everything that has happened.  Why does this help, or even need to be stated? Don't you think that I already know the bad things that have happened to me recently? Are we keeping score? Some people really try to use this as some sort of way to give advice when all it does is make the person look at their life and feel even worse. Maybe they had just started to get over that one thing that you listed, and now it's on their mind again. Just don't list the battles, we know when and where we got our wounds.

Fourth:  Don't fake it. Not everyone can be sympatric when they need to be. It isn't easy to reach out to someone and have to be there for them if you don't really know them that well, your going through a hard time, or you just can't be there. I think I speak for many when I say, it's okay if you can't be there for me. Just tell me that you are thinking of me, and touch base when you can. I won't be mad or upset. Two of my friends both  told me how much they wanted to be there for me, but couldn't because...and I respected them for it, and never got angry.  I will be, however, if you plaster on a fake smile, give me a half hug, muster some words, and walk away like it was a chore. The thing is, I, like many, have a wonderful support system. I know who I can rely on, who I can trust, and who will always be there for me no  matter what. It's okay if you aren't one of my inner circle if you can't be there for me, but don't pretend. We can tell. If you don't know what to say, then a simple pat on the shoulder will do just fine. Again, I understand wanting to comfort, but I don't understand people who try to fake caring.

Fifth: Don't take this as an opportunity to try to convert someone to your religion. I had loads of people telling me how much better my life would be if I went to this church, or that church, or prayed more, or prayed less, or believed this way or...the list goes on and on. Do I really want to talk about how wonderful God is when things have gone so badly in life. No. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and you should be respectful of a person's choice to worship God, or not, in the way that they choose. When bad things happen, it's not the time to point out how different or better life would be if the other person believed the exact same way that you do. Guess what, what works for one person, may not for the other. This country was founded on the grounds of religious freedom, and that includes being free from any religion. There may be a time and a place when I will want to hear from you about your beliefs, but I will ask. I don't want someone preaching to me when all I want is comfort, not fire and brimstone.

Sixth: Let people be angry, because that is fine. I have been angry many times, and have had people list off reasons why I shouldn't be. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I'm still mad, and nothing will change that. It is okay for a person going through a hard time to be mad. Let them, because if they keep that anger in, it will come out in a non positive way. Now, I know that there are healthy ways to be angry, and I know they are bad ways to be angry. If you feel that the person is a threat to themselves, then yes, step in. But if they are just angry, and yelling, and maybe saying things that you don't agree with, then let them get it out, and be there for them when they are done. Don't tell them not to be angry, because you know what, they are, and they will continue to be for awhile.

Seventh: There is no time line on pain. Just because a few days, weeks, months, or years have passed does not mean that it doesn't hurt any longer. It doesn't mean that the pain isn't as real and as fresh as the moment that it happened. Just because a person isn't progressing in your own personal time line of when you think it's time for them to just stop being sad doesn't mean it's right for them.  (Again, I understand that there are cases where people would need to seek treatment, or get help, but I am addressing the norm)

 Eighth: Sometimes it is just best to keep quiet. There haven't been words invented yet to be the ones that will help heal a person, and make them better. If there was, then all of us would feel a heck of a lot better. You don't always need to fill silence with words. Sometimes, just being in the same room is enough of a comfort. Silence, sometimes, really is golden.

Ninth: Don't fall into the void. When bad things happen, people come out of the woodworks, and then they disappear almost as quickly as they came. Yes, there are times when you don't need to be present for the person going through a hard time. I'm not going to run across the country because you have a hang nail, and wouldn't expect you to either. However, when it is something life altering, don't disappear out of that person's life if you really care about them. I understand how life is, and how busy things can get, but that isn't an excuse to not even drop a four word email, or post on Facebook that says, "I'm thinking of you." Is that too hard? I need to work on this myself, but I do try, I really do, and there are many of you, dear readers who do as well. But I think we can all stand to try a little harder at this. It's easy to run away back into your own world, but remember, their world is still in crumbles.

Ten: See if you make the cut. Life altering is, well, life altering, and you start to look at the people in your life and see if they really need to be a part of your world. You find out who is there, and who will walk away. This is a time when someone starts to take those scissors and start snipping away. I have started doing this very thing. Does that mean I will never talk to or be friendly to these people again, not at all. All it means is I know where we stand, and it doesn't bother me if you are in my life or not. If you care for the person going through a bad time, really care, then be there for them. Don't appear in their life once in awhile when you are feeling guilty, or if you need something from them. It's better just to cut them off so you, and they, can move forward.

When it comes down to it, people are really trying to help. I want to help, you want to help. It's our nature to nurture. We don't like to see others in pain, but we do need to understand that every single person is entitled to mourn, be upset, and be angry. Each person is going to handle the pain of a terrible situation different than you, and that is fine. Be there for them when you can, and don't forget about them as time passes. The advice that you want to give may be the best thing in the world for them, but please be mindful of when you tell them your advice. Don't make it about you, it's about the other person. Most of all, put love and helpful energy out there, don't lecture or tell them what they feeling is wrong, because it's not. I don't want to sound like I am whining or ungrateful. I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life who are helping me through this, even though I know it isn't always an easy thing to do. I thank you all, and love you all very much. I just have found that some things that have been done or said have been pretty bad, and I hope to avoid that mistake myself in the future, and I hope this will help you avoid it as well. We are human, and we will mess up, so when you do, make sure you are good enough to say that you are sorry, and move forward.

Doctor Who Has Made Me CRAZY

Dear Lord, What Has Happened To Me: I Became a Whovian:


I don't understand how it happened, but I got sucked into the crazy world of Doctor Who. Yes, and not just suck in, like crazy sickness sucked in. You see this year I was alone for Christmas and there was a marathon on BBC America, so I thought what the heck, I will watch this and see what all of the fuss was about....and then my life ended. I actually started with "The End of Time," and knowing nothing about the characters or the show ended up crying for only 3 hours after. (this is 10's regeneration btw, and when I saw it after again after catching up I only cried for a month) The shows weren't running in any sort of order so I sat up and watched for most of the night, and then called into work the next day. Mostly because of a dangerous blizzard but not sleeping all night because I was watching Doctor Who didn't help. Should have known then.

After that I caught up on the reboot (starting in 2004) on Netflix and again, my life was over. Now I am one of those crazy people who hear references everywhere, the TARDIS is my ringtone, and for my birthday I am planning on plopping down $250.00 for the box set. Yes, gloriously sick. But, one thing that came from all of this nutty-ness was watching this show made me want to write again. For those of you who know me well, it's been a real struggle for me to even pick up a pen that last 7 or 8 years. I just looked at the blank page and freaked out. Now, with fuel from my new craze over Doctor Who, I feel inspired, and have actually written a story that's going on fairly well, in fact I've got 125 pages, which is amazing for me. Since I started watching Doctor Who, my hands have been stained in ink, and it feels great!!!!

I am inspired by these people who are complete nerds, who are looking to give women strong roles. I am inspired by their writers who make no apologies for being a nerd, or a geek, or being different. The celebrate it, they embrace the weird, and for some reason it clicked for me. So, I am happy that I am now a Whovian, no matter how crazy it's made me because this crazy has inspired creativity!


Anywho: has anyone else noticed that season 7 part one has a mention of Rose in some way shape or form: The rose in Clara's hair....11 speech about going back to help Rose with her homework, 11 making reference to the bad wolf in grandmother's clothing, the pub called The Rose....Please oh Please can we see The Bad Wolf, and The Oncoming Storm?


SEE!!! SICKNESS!!!!!! I am not kidding about this. It's all consuming. I am one of those people. Someday I plan on telling my future children about The Doctor, not the Easter Bunny and Santa. I want them to be able to believe is something powerful, and inspiring, something that will make them want to be better people, not greedy little wimps who want more presents. This is what has happened to my life, now excuse me while I put on Netflix and cry......and write until my hands are full on ink!

The world mourns:

I wish that I had some powerful words to give comfort to those who lost, everything, this past week. There is nothing to make the hurt go away, nothing to make sense or to give a real reason why. Time won't heal these wounds, it will only make it worse. When Christmas time comes around, all that will be thought about is how they aren't there. Every birthday, every time you see their favorite stuffed animal, walk by their room, or take your next breath the loss will be felt. You aren't alone. We as a nation have suffered a huge loss, that just seems so....empty and meaningless.

My Dad told me when I was a child that when you take a life, you don't just end one. You end many lives of family and friends. But you also end lives of  children that could have been. What would these kids have been if given the chance? Did one of them pocess the knowledge to cure AIDS or cancer? Would one of them be the mother to the first female president? We lost all of that. We lost an entire possible reality.

When 911 happened, life ceased to exsist. It has never been the same, and it will never be the same again. I can't shake this feeling of being so horribly sad, and feeling that nothing means anything anymore. Babies, little babies who have never done anything to anyone that would warrent such a horrid ending. Those who lived through it will have to try to make a life for themselves somehow putting one foot in front of the other.

Where does this leave us? Does the world end in a few days? Would it be such a bad thing with all this pain and suffering? Many of us have talked about what we think will happen next week, and the most popular answer is a spirtual awaking of some sort. Is there enough spirit in this world to make that happen? We are all angry, and looking for something or someone to blame. The truth is people are to blame. We are evil, and we are good. People will find a way to seek and destroy all the light in the world. It has happened since the begining of time. Take away guns, they will find knives, take away knives, they will pick up rocks. As long as there are people walking on Earth, there will be evil.

But as long as people walk this Earth, there will be good. It's up to us to try to be better. To become more self-aware, and less self-obessed. To cherish our time together, to help ease the pain of life, to stop being so angry, to be able to let go. Do I think it can be done. To be honest at this point, no. I have little faith, but really wants to be proven wrong. I want people to show that there is still good in this world. I want to see what is good, and what is pure win for once. I want us all to have a moment in the sun where we can be still, where we can be real, where we can take our next breaths knowing that we have made a positive impact and difference in the universe. We have a long way to go, but why not start now. Why keep the story of pain and suffering repeating itself over and over when we can make sure the next day, and the day after will be better.

I have hope for the world. Now please let the next chapter of our lives be better, even just a little.